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Why Do Battered Women Stay In Abusive Relationships?
1. This is the wrong question. The questions we should be asking are:
- Why do assailants terrorize and torture their partners?
- Why do men (the vast majority of assailants) beat women?
- Why does the community allow battering to continue?
2. There are incorrect assumptions underlying this question.
- Many battered women do leave. Shelters are usually full.
- Some battered women stay for a short period of time.
- Almost all battered women try to leave.
3. People believe that if battered women REALLY wanted to leave they could just get up and go.
- At least 70% of all assaults occur after the woman has tried to leave.
- One-half of all battered women who are murdered, are murdered after trying to leave.
4. Some battered woman stay because:
- Assailants use psychological terrorism, isolation, sexual abuse, threats against their children, economic methods, and brainwashing techniques to keep them in violent relationships.
5. Some battered women stay due to sexism (unequal treatment of women):
- They can't find a job.
- They can't find a job which will support their children.
- They can't afford child care.
- They can't afford a lawyer, which means no divorce or restraining order.
- They can't afford as good a lawyer as their partner, so they may lose their kids if they leave.
6. Some battered women stay because there is no place for them to go.
- Shelters do not exist everywhere.
- They are often full.
7. Some battered women stay because institutions are helpless or unwilling to offer them protection or assistance.
- Police don't arrest.
- Police don't enforce restraining orders.
- Courts give custody of children to assailants.
- Courts dismiss charges.
- Prosecutors don't authorize charges.
- Institutions believe the assailant.
- Doctors ignore the abuse, or provide tranquilizers for "her nerves".
- Religious leaders put keeping the family together above physical safety for women and children.
8. Some battered women stay because they are not given accurate information about battering.
They are told that:
- Alcohol or drugs causes battering and that getting the assailant to treatment will stop the violence.
- Getting therapy for themselves will help.
- Couples counseling or mediation will help.
- Therapy for their assailant will help him to get better.
- They are co-dependent and as soon as they break out of their dysfunctional patterns the violence will end.
- That it would be better to have a violent husband than non-male role model for the children.
9. Some battered women stay because they believe what women have been taught to believe (gender socialization).
They may believe that:
- They are responsible for their family and that violence is their failure.
- Women must be nurturing, caring, and self-sacrificing.
- They put their partner and children's welfare above their own.
- They must help their partner get well.
- They are "enabling" his behavior, and by her changing, he will change.
- They are only a good, normal person if they are married, with a man, and in a family.
10. Some battered women stay because they believe what most people in our society believe about battered women.
They may believe that:
- Battered women imagine, exaggerate, deliberately fabricate, or initiate the violence.
- Battered women somehow provoke or are to blame for the violence.
- All battered women come from poor, uneducated, minority backgrounds.
- Their partner just has a problem controlling his anger, or that stress or unemployment problems have caused the battering.
11. Some battered women stay because they believe what their assailant is telling them, such as:
- You're crazy and stupid. No one will believe you.
- I know the judge; he won't put me in jail.
- The police will never arrest me.
- You're the one who needs help. You're hysterical.
- It's not serious. You're not really battered.
- If you leave, I'll get custody because you'll have abandoned me and the kids.
- If you leave, I'll find you and kill you.
- I'll kill your family, your kids, and your pets.
- You'll never escape me.
WHY WOMEN STAY
SITUATIONAL FACTORS
- Economic dependence
- Fear of greater physical danger to themselves and their children if they attempt to leave.
- Fear of emotional damage to children
- Fear of losing custody of children
- Lack of alternative housing
- Lack of job skills
- Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family or friends and lack of information regarding alternatives
- Fear of involvement in court processes
- Cultural and religious constraints
- Fear of retaliation
EMOTIONAL FACTORS
- Fear of loneliness
- Insecurity over potential independence and lack of emotional support
- Guilt about failure of marriage
- Fear that husband will change
- Fear that husband is not able to survive alone
- Ambivalence and fear over making formidable life changes
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